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Topic: Nikkai first & last should I post (Read 2530 times)

nikkai

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Re: Nikkai first & last should I post « Reply #10 Posted: 04 July 2010 at 11:18 AM »

Ok so I have started something but then went a little fruit loop so this may explain,
sorry it is long and having second thoughts an just about everything in my life at the moment so it could be classed as a mid life crisis

So where to begin?
I have never written a blog before and this is possibly just a way to get some things out in the open and possibly on the move within my mind to a more settled and normal way of being.
Last month has been the pinnacle of, in the words of our Queen “My annus horribilus”
It’s with that in mind I find it hard to start or even where the start should be. Do I just sit here and write down the woe’s and the where fore’s of this life I am experiencing of do I jump from feelings to thoughts in a hope of a magic wand to place it all in an order of some sort where rhyme or reason can be gleamed from the mess. Even sitting here now I am not even sure when any of this truly started or when I actually noticed that there is or maybe something different or possibly wrong with me.
If I start at January then am I deigning the actions through December? I am pushed to begin at a definite start point and what better than that of the birth of a new year where salutations are passed out wishing a better time than before. So it began with gusto and glee, The father-in-law, daughter and son-in-law to be joined myself and the wife before I returned to work for yet another period aboard, The current economic climate is taking its toll on work which is steady but slow and even though there are contracts things on the employment front are not as rosy as one would hope, finding sea staff that will work an eight hour watch rotation and do a month tour so my leave is spent in front of laptops and agency information trying to source good crew.
A bout of very bad stomach pains and diarrhoea took me to the doctor who referred me to JPH while waiting another bout gave rise for my wife calling out the ambulance and whisking me off to the very same JPH and a short stay before being discharged to wait for the follow up which would now be a colonoscopy. Armed with yet more medication I return to my ship and life does appear to settle a little and things start to improve, My son who is dyslexic and going through a divorce needed assistance with the process of his divorce, so via phone and then by stopping of at his house on my way home from work the forms were set and readied for the courts in Medway. Taking the forms in turned out to be a good idea as some small error got noticed and I was able to get that corrected so all would be well there, the wife and I managed some time at home to sit and sort out the possible sale of our current home two of us in a four bed detached place just seems off the wall to me.
So a trip home then back to work, as I said things seemed to be on a level or even slightly on the way up until I get a slight tooth ache above one of my crowns, as work is slow I try to get a dental appointment local to the ship and three hours before that the skipper is adamant there is a need to sail so that is what we do and my pain grows and grows to a point where the lower part of my eye socket swelled and started to close the eye. I requested ships medical but his idea is that I would be fine in the morning , a trip to a hospital where they could do nothing because of the condition of the abscess now above three teeth. When finally the ship docks back in the home port I can get to the dentist who was only able to remove the crown to allow a drain and to put me on more medication. Still with a face resembling a hamster I was given the news that a cousin had passed away the month previous and though the family did try to contact me they were unable to contact the vessel.
I returned home after my tour finished and started to look forward to the colonoscopy and the possibility of even a further test if that came up inconclusive, Being home for just under three days my son called around 8.00 am and informed me that his wife had died suddenly the previous day, the wife and I travelled down to Kent and then onto the London hospital where Jo had been taken in that hospital we found her connected to a life support machine. Grandchildren distraught and Jo’s parents and siblings all around, a very distressful sight and where I learnt that the hospital had put her on a life support machine, tests were made and the decision to turn the machine off. My son and daughter-in-law have been apart for around two years and Jo’s new partner seems to have been forgotten in all this mess, I pointed out to Jo’s parents that the partner is there though they are adamant my son is responsible for the whole matter and has to sort out all the arrangements and payments. While I agree he is now the only legal guardian of the three children there is a cause for concern regarding the other matters and legal advice needed to be obtained, again this is not an easy thing to try and sort through as my son has another partner and they are at contract signing point of purchasing a house.
Well so far I’m a wreck I have spoken to my Grandchildren and have taken then out for a day to change the environment they were in just for a short time. I myself have had one lot or results which if you look at it in one direction are good, I and cancer free and there are only one or two very small polyps within my large bowls which have been removed, but that just opens up the questions of what now and so it continues my journey to the JPH for a follow up exam has been completed and while speaking to the consultant there I am told there was nothing conclusive again though I do have a few ‘strange loops’ in my small bowls and he would give no other information on that. I am to await the results though in the mean time I have yet another appointment at the JPH this is for some surgery on (well I’m not saying) Talk about getting old I seem to have started to fall apart.
My phone, a life line to sanity has decided to go pear shaped and erase all my numbers and give an error on the memory card where the back-up was, I have a secondary back-up on a computer though that is at work somewhere at sea, using an old phone I have managed to get some sort of contact data together though most of the work numbers will be lost unless they call me again or I can remember who they were.
My daughter has distinctions in her marks from uni so I am very happy about that and my Christmas present from her and her man gave me a boost of joy I have not had for a long time, I have only ever stepped foot into a football ground twice and both occasions have not been to see football the first was to deliver grass to the QPR ground when the astro turf was removed the second was in Ipswich to watch pink! She is truly fantastic and to be only eight foot away when she was on stage but under her as she went over my hands in a ball just left me buzzing. I suppose the strange feelings I am having could be coming from the guilt of enjoying myself so much when my grandchildren have lost their mother, Taking time to jump up and down to a sound thumping through my chest when the children have just buried their mum. I cried at the concert and have done several nights, I get no warning just a rush and then wham I’m a 50 year old blubbering mess, the wife asked what was wrong but no reason I can think of fits what is going on in my life.
I have known Jo for 20 years, my son brought her home when she was 14, many many great times are held on video tape, the wedding, each child as they grow and all the days out together. Who would thing at 34 she would be no longer here with us in flesh.
Sitting here writing this has taken around five hours, my mind wandering and then the phone call to my granddaughter just to hear her voice and see if the lost tone has gone from it, which I am glad to hear has almost, the youngest and the middle grandchild return to school on Monday and I hope that I can get to Kent and have some time with the three before I swan off to sea and be out of touch just in case they want me I have given them the emergency number for ship contact.
We gave each grandchild a small book and pen telling them to write every feeling and thought down, if they did not want it known they could rip it out and burn it or keep them if they wanted just use the word as a way to help with how they felt, if it is a good idea or not I am not sure but writing this hasn’t changed me, it hasn’t made the empty feeling go away, it hasn’t brought her back. I has given me something to do for the last five or so hours.


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funkychick

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Re: Nikkai first & last should I post « Reply #11 Posted: 04 July 2010 at 04:02 PM »

Nikkai I am so sorry to hear of all the things going wrong in your life at the moment,- why do things always happen at once, you can plod along for years then one thing after another happens You've certainly got more than your fair share of worries at the moment and they can seem overwelming, especially with being away from home so much that must make you feel 'out of it all' Hopefully the rest of your tests will come back ok from JPH fingers crossed tightly for that result

How old are your grand kids and who will they be staying with? I am asking because a short while ago I had the same thing happen, two of my grand kids lost their very beloved Dad and my daughter her life partner He too was someone I was very fond of,- the children were distraught and couldnt understand why their dad had gone they were 6 and 4 It is a very very hard job with so many ups and downs my grand son particularly went through a period of anger at everything and lots of tears at strange times and places with seemingly no connections It does improve as time goes by although it has not been an easy road for my daughter or myself

There is a wonderful organisation called Winstons Wish you could google it it gives lots of help and advice and there are kids groups too we were unlucky becasue there arent any up here but there maybe in the area your grkids live in Encourage them to talk about their mum as much as they want, they may well all face their grief in different ways, there will be different time periods too,, tears, battered self esteem, anger, feelings of abandonment,fear, loss, you name it they will go through them all in different ways all you can do is be there for them in what ever way they need, accept, and know that they will heal eventually, healing is not forgetting but accepting. Memory boxes are a very good idea too pictures letters, little belongings to get out in quiet or sad moments. It is all compounded because your own health is worrying you at the moment giving you a double whammy I think it is good that you have put it down in words I am sure you have a close family and friends to talk to and your friends on here It is always helpful to have an ear that is not too close not too involved so hopefully we can all help from that point of view

I apologise for taking your first remark so lightly I really thought you were having a joke with us

My thoughts are with you Funky


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Trigger

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Re: Nikkai first & last should I post « Reply #12 Posted: 04 July 2010 at 05:04 PM »

Nikka - where do I start? First and foremost a big thank you for writing your blog - irrespective of the time it took - doing so will be, I am sure, a help to you. I am a great believer in the old saying “A trouble shared, is a trouble halved”. Whilst I’m not too sure about the accuracy of the second part - the important thing is to talk to someone - or failing that, to write everything down. There are times when ‘troubles’ (for want of a better word) seem to keep coming over the horizon - one after the other- almost non-stop. There are only a few points you discussed that I’ll comment on - the ones that I feel that I can comment on from first-hand experience. Regarding the loss of Jo - you, and your wife are, of course “rocks” for the grandchildren - and they need to know that, even though you’re miles away, you both are there for them - just knowing that does give children comfort and support. For you - an organisation that is there to talk to at such times is Cruse Bereavement Care - and do phone them if you need to. They helped me - I phoned two years after my father died. This was due to regular comments from Dad’s brother who, each time we spoke on the phone, always wanted to know, yet again, all the details of the day Dad died. Well-meaning friends would ask “Have you shed a tear yet?” and tut away when I said that I hadn’t. Increasingly, I began to feel guilty - although I had nothing to feel guilty about; then I heard a talk on the radio on this matter and the ‘experts’ said “If you haven’t shed a tear in two years - you definitely need help.” I would add that I have no brothers or sisters - so at such times I’m on my own. So I phoned Cruse - and they were a great help. And the fact that I hadn’t “shed a tear” was irrelevant - remember that not everyone grieves in the same way. And on that subject - don’t be afraid - or ashamed to cry. Remember that we have the same emotional mechanism as the ladies. And such emotions have a horrible habit of creeping up on you unexpectedly. Fortunately, the old saying about men keeping that “stiff upper lip” is fading away. Writing this - I occasionally have to rub my eyes - there must be grit in the air - but fortunately, there are tissues nearby!

And please don’t feel guilty or ashamed that you enjoyed the concert you attended - there are times when you too, need to “escape” which, in my view, helps to recharge your batteries. As for the medical problems - frustrating and worrying I know but, unfortunately, all part of the “getting older” process. I am, of course, still in my twenties (at least, in my mind) - sadly, my body doesn’t know this. The aches and pains, seizing up of joints, etc. are, unfortunately, getting more regular - it’s if something drops off that shouldn’t - that I will worry!
Once again, thank you for your posting.


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nikkai

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Re: Nikkai first & last should I post « Reply #13 Posted: 04 July 2010 at 09:18 PM »

Thank you to all who have read and replied
There is no need to apologize as I try to have a post read in an upbeat way no matter what I say
(I am not very good at explaining what I mean)
If I am down then I do not want a reader to feel down If I am up then the reader should also feel that emotion.

I have spoken with my grandchildren again today and also with my son, I am going to search for the Winstons Wish and the Cruse to see if they are in the local area to the children and for these two options I give my grateful thanks.

I am taking the medication and to be honest the alternative medication has helped

Light hearted fun lifts spirits so again I give out a thank yous

I will be going to Kent on Tuesday morning and with a bit of luck get travel arrangements sorted for the children so they can have unlimited travel on the buses in the county, so they will be able to visit the grave of their mother any time they wish, the schools have said that there is a counselor available should one be needed (I have the personal number for the head master of the girls school now) a very nice chat and he will communicate with the boys school on Monday. The eldest girl is of school leaving age and has not attended several of the exams, there is a slim possibility that she may be able to sit some though this is not set in stone and is up to the governing body etc, my fingers are crossed for a yes answer.

It has been a bit of an OK day so far but the night is yet to come, I just feel there is and should be more I can and should do or be doing. My wife is a diamond and one I am trying not to neglect, she puts me right on some things and gives me that inch when I steal the mile.


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Trigger

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Re: Nikkai first & last should I post « Reply #14 Posted: 05 July 2010 at 03:55 AM »

Thanks for the reply. My only comment would be to say - don’t “beat yourself up” by virtue of the fact that, in your opinion, you’re not doing enough. It sounds to me, from what you’ve told us, that you are doing everything you possibly can - bearing in mind your work, the distance you are from them, etc. Bear in mind also, that those thoughts are negative ones - and, they’re the “baddies”! Try and keep thoughts as positive ones - the “good guys”! I am sure that the grandchildren realise that you cannot be with them all the time - but they know you are there for them - and would take comfort for that.

Also take strength from the fact that your wife is there to share this with you - and you support and comfort each other at this time - that is a blessing in itself.


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funkychick

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Re: Nikkai first & last should I post « Reply #15 Posted: 05 July 2010 at 05:53 AM »

Nikkai what ever we do in life it never feels enough, as long as you and your wife are there for the children even if its on the end of a phone it will be good. Do ask the school for as many 'favours' as you feel needed after all they are dealing with the children for a big part of their life, one thing that can be arranged with the class is if the child is feeling very sad or angry they can go out to a quiet place to calm down for a few minutes I would certainly take the counselling up if the children want to but not arranging it if the times not right sometimes it comes later. Drawing pictures is a great release too as is talking about their Mum Can they have a holiday up here at some point? Whatever you do try to stay calm even if you need some counselling yourself they need to feel your strength If they are young they will be scared someone else will 'dissappear' so your strength will be invaluable to them

I can't write long as I am at work and we only get 10 mins before it locks out If there s any help you need we are all here


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caz2

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Re: Nikkai first & last should I post « Reply #16 Posted: 05 July 2010 at 08:06 PM »

i can't add anymore to what trig and fc have said.from what i read richard the children have a good grandparents in you and wife.
you not been a well man recently and been stoic through out,this will take a toll on the body,to carry on working under such pain you been having tends to start a spirall.i understand the bowel problem it sounds like you got something called redundant bowel,a very miserable problem made worse by everything going on in your life at the moment,but a rectifiable one.the doctor must talk to you about it i know it difficult but try a pin the dr down if youget no help with the dr about this then come back to me i know the condition inside out.metophor and in reality.
it do sound like a good rest is needed as the others have said is it poss have grandchildren down for a holiday...
it good you felt able to write this all down it a release,and myself others on
here feel heartfelt for your loss, and it privlidge you felt you can tell us.
writing things out is very cathartic and you are very good with words that must be a release..those orginazations the others have mention are very good,plus itgood to know they are there.
i do wish you well richard if anything one can do please ask,i from practical side the bowel condition.
life not easy richard that for sure,but to give a fellow human being a hand or shoulder in times like this,is always a privlidge.walk a few yards in others shooes i hope we help
god bless richard


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nikkai

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Re: Nikkai first & last should I post « Reply #17 Posted: 09 July 2010 at 04:18 AM »

I am back at work now so have to wait for an Internet signal to get on line.
Managed to settle down a little so with a bit of hope things will seem normal I'll not have much time to think about things as this vessel is a hands on operation.
Only a short post this time.
I have read through the posts again
Thanks for reading replying and being on the friendly forum


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funkychick

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Re: Nikkai first & last should I post « Reply #18 Posted: 09 July 2010 at 06:09 AM »

Thinking of you Nikkai through a difficult time, made more difficult as you are away, however as you say being busy will help, stay strong , we re all with you. Speak when you can All the best funky


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nikkai

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Re: Nikkai first & last should I post « Reply #19 Posted: 10 July 2010 at 01:11 AM »

In the words uttered in a film, "and so it begins" SSDD
I am not in the frame of mind for work though I am here and I am doing what I get paid for, saying that I have not had a lot of time to myself as the vessel seems to want my full attention! We have now got two crew off with malaria so are once again sailing with agency personnel, which with the operational requirements of this ship only puts more strain on the staff who know where and what things are.
I got new dates for my next appointments at JPH (August) my next leave and when I intended to have the children up to give them a bit of a break. Before I attend that I am asked to reduce the amount of medication I take for pain management so that the hospital can see if it is the medication that is giving me the problems, in other words they are not sure whats wrong so they will have a go at everything, (ha ha)
Hey on the plus side I won £2.50 in the ships internal football stakes.
Just had my Anniversary, the day I rejoined the ship!
I am not all doom and gloom I do feel quite well and even to the point of upbeat, I managed to get five of the crew laughing with tails of my health, Told them that I had to ring the doctor, as for the last three weeks at 8.30 every morning I urinate then at 9.00 I pass a stool.
Two said that was good and seemed normal but I added "I don't get out of bed until 12.00"


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