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Topic: Jokes & Limericks (Read 22667 times)

Trigger

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Posts: 8384

Re: Jokes & Limericks « Reply #300 Posted: 02 February 2012 at 01:27 PM »

I have just received a letter from SCREWFIX.

"We regret to inform you that we are NOT a dating agency."


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Trigger

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Posts: 8384

Re: Jokes & Limericks « Reply #301 Posted: 03 February 2012 at 04:39 PM »

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this
flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few
bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and
announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!

We Need the height, and she gives us the length!!


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Trigger

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Posts: 8384

Re: Jokes & Limericks « Reply #302 Posted: 11 February 2012 at 10:58 AM »

Another Blonde story!

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country.

She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense.

As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....." She forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cockpit hears the noise.

Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot.

She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."


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Trigger

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Posts: 8384

Re: Jokes & Limericks « Reply #303 Posted: 14 February 2012 at 11:19 AM »

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.

Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Norfolk quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Norfolk.

It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Norfolk?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Norfolk.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Norfolk?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

"My wife is from Norfolk"


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Scorpio

Super Member

Posts: 181

Re: Jokes & Limericks « Reply #304 Posted: 14 February 2012 at 02:45 PM »

Quote from: Trigger on 14 February 2012 at 11:19 AM

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

Or even mooooo-ve away! Cheesy


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mary alger

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Posts: 619

Any Algers out there?

Re: Jokes & Limericks « Reply #305 Posted: 25 February 2012 at 06:02 PM »

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.


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Everyone has a photographic memory… some just don’t have film.

mary alger

Veteran Member

Gender:

Posts: 619

Any Algers out there?

Re: Jokes & Limericks « Reply #306 Posted: 26 February 2012 at 03:23 PM »

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's
group The Monkees I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face.

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a
couple of Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his
cage.

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a
prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity,
get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a
dead Beatle for the last thirty years.


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Everyone has a photographic memory… some just don’t have film.

mary alger

Veteran Member

Gender:

Posts: 619

Any Algers out there?

Re: Jokes & Limericks « Reply #307 Posted: 27 February 2012 at 03:30 PM »

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for
the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When
I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on
a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers
walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still
walking about with it. I thought to myself, 'They've lost the plot .....'

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I
went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I thought,
"I can get one cheaper off the web."

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was
sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I
thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."