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Lowestoft Online > Community > General Community > Jokes and Trivia > Topic: Jokes & Limericks
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Author Topic: Jokes & Limericks  (Read 22667 times)
Gary
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Re: Jokes & Limericks « Reply #10 Posted: 22 March 2009 at 04:52 PM »
Lady walks into high class jewellery shop, bends over to inspect a beautiful diamond bracelet and accidentally breaks wind. Really embarrassed she looks round hoping no-one noticed and is mortified to see a shop salesman behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism he asks "How may we help you today madam"?
Still embarrassed, but hoping he had not heard her, she says "Can you please tell me the price of this beautiful bracelet"?
He answers "Madam, if you farted by just looking at it, you are gonna sh*t yourself when I tell you the price"!!

Two women on their way back from a night out decide to stop in a graveyard for a pee. One wipes herself with her knickers and the other does it with a wreath. Next day their husbands were in the pub and the first one says "I need to keep a check on my wife cos last night she came back with no knickers on" the other man says "Thats bugger all mate, mine came home with a card wedged in her bum saying 'We'll never forget you from all the boys at the fire station'"!!

Two nuns are driving along in their old car one stormy night when all of a sudden the devil lands on their car bonnet. "Oh jesus, mary mother of god" she screams "it's the devil himself sister, what are we to do, what are we to do"?
The other nun shouts out to her "show him yer cross sister, show him yer cross"
So with that the nun winds down her window and shouts out "oi, get off me fu**ing bonnet"
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Rena
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Re: Jokes & Limericks « Reply #11 Posted: 22 March 2009 at 08:37 PM »
The FBI have narrowed down their search for the perfect assassin down to 3 men.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to door and handed him a gun. "Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... you must kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the third man's turn. He was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" he said. "So I had to beat her to death with the chair."
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Gary
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Re: Jokes & Limericks « Reply #12 Posted: 25 March 2009 at 05:52 PM »
I like that one Rena Cheesy. Two Indian drug addicts injected curry powder instead of heroin and got rushed to hospital. One's in a Korma and the other's got a dodgy Tikka. Ahem, sorry about that one Cheesy
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728
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Re: Jokes & Limericks « Reply #13 Posted: 25 March 2009 at 06:06 PM »
Police found a strange object in a car in an English town, it was discovered to be a tax disc!!
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Rena
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Re: Jokes & Limericks « Reply #14 Posted: 19 April 2009 at 09:51 AM »
 evil6
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freelance
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Re: Jokes & Limericks « Reply #15 Posted: 19 April 2009 at 09:58 AM »
I liked this in the "Guardian" during the week.
A man finds an old violin and a painting in his loft, and hopefully takes them to an expert for valuation.
The expert says, " The good news is  --  you really do have a Sradivarius and a Van Gogh.  The bad news is that Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Sradivarius couldn't paint for toffee".
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Rena
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Re: Jokes & Limericks « Reply #16 Posted: 19 April 2009 at 10:05 AM »
Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
 
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Rena
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Re: Jokes & Limericks « Reply #17 Posted: 19 April 2009 at 10:06 AM »
Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
 
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Gary
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Re: Jokes & Limericks « Reply #18 Posted: 20 April 2009 at 12:24 PM »
Quote from: Rena on 19 April 2009 at 10:06 AM
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
 
Quite possibly a truism in every sense!  Cool

George was very excited about going away on business to Hong Kong. Being new to first class travel he was very keen to try out all the luxury gadgets available to him on the flight.

As he lay there fully reclined in the electric leather seat, George was presented with a vast array of different buttons to press. First he tried a button marked "ATB" and out came a toothbrush and automatically cleaned his teeth. "Wow that's fantastic he exclaimed, I like this first class travel". Next he pressed a button marked "AAC" and out came a personal air conditioning unit that made him feel cool and comfortable. "This is just superb" said George, "First class is certainly THE way to travel".

Next he pressed a button marked "ATR". The next thing George knew was when he awoke in a hospital in Hong Kong with a doctor standing over him. George said "What the hell happened? The last thing I recall was being on the plane and pressing a button marked "ATR" and then it's all a blank?"

"Well said the doctor, you have had a very traumatic experience, "ATR" is the the automated tampon remover and to tell you that your pen*s is under the pillow!  evil6
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Rena
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Re: Jokes & Limericks « Reply #19 Posted: 20 April 2009 at 04:31 PM »
 Really Bad Day   

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
 
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