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Lee
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Jokes & Limericks « Posted: 04 January 2009 at 02:07 AM »
Doctor Doctor...

Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
Doc: Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!
Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?
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Joe
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Re: January - Jokes & Limericks « Reply #1 Posted: 04 January 2009 at 02:41 AM »
This cracked me up. Grin  It wasn't you in your trailer park, was it, Debby?

(@eliaz`medal): i have broken two of my erm
(@eliaz`medal): foot things
(@eliaz`medal): extensions
(@eliaz`medal): those little thigns on ur feet
(@eliaz`medal): 5 on each ::
(@eliaz`medal): :/
(@eliaz`medal): dunno name
(@Ched): toes?

 
-+ 


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Joe
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Re: January - Jokes & Limericks « Reply #2 Posted: 04 January 2009 at 02:42 AM »
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witnes s. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and p*** all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
Heh.
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Lee
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Re: January - Jokes & Limericks « Reply #3 Posted: 04 January 2009 at 03:14 AM »
 directorHa-Ha, Nice one Joe... Heard that one before, but still makes me laugh! director
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Rena
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Re: Jokes & Limericks « Reply #4 Posted: 26 February 2009 at 09:53 AM »

Original adverts in newspapers

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
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Rena
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Re: Jokes & Limericks « Reply #5 Posted: 26 February 2009 at 09:54 AM »
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
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Rena
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Re: Jokes & Limericks « Reply #6 Posted: 26 February 2009 at 10:02 AM »
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. So they have to get out.

The Englishman takes a bottle of wine with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes a car door.

On the way they meet this old Git. He says to the Englishman "I know why you've got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty", He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the umbrella to keep the sun off you", "but" he says to the Irishman "Why have you got the car door?" and the Irishman replies "If I get hot I can wind the window down!"
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Rena
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Re: Jokes & Limericks « Reply #7 Posted: 07 March 2009 at 06:08 PM »
The limerick's callous and crude,
Its morals distressingly lewd;
It's not worth the reading
By persons of breeding -
It's designed for us vulgar and rude.


 
The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean -
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
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Rena
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Re: Jokes & Limericks « Reply #8 Posted: 16 March 2009 at 10:19 AM »
A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied. "In-laws."
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Rena
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Re: Jokes & Limericks « Reply #9 Posted: 16 March 2009 at 10:23 AM »
What am I? I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in 'n' out a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position. Cleaning is usually done after I am. What am I? Why, I am your very own...Toothbrush! What were you thinking, you pervert?
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